Skip to main content

Full text of "aiken"

See other formats


Silent Snow, Secret Snow 




by 

Conrad 
Aiken 



edited by Raymond Soulard, Jr. & Kassandra Soulard 



Thank you for downloading this Scriptor Press 

tide! Please visit Scriptor Press online for more 

great literary titles and other media. 



Portland, O r e g o k 




Scriptor Press 



Silent Snow, Secret Snow 
by Conrad Aiken 



edited by Raymond Soulard, Jr. 
& Kassandra Soulard 




Number Sixty-three 



Silent Snow, Secret Snow (1940) 
by Conrad Aiken 



Burning Man Books is 

an imprint of This story has haunted me 

Scriptor Press f or over 20 years . . . 

2442 NW Market Street-#363 be wamed ofhs # „_ 

Seattle, Washington 98107 
editor@scriptorpress.com 
http://www.scriptorpress.com 



This volume was composed 

in the AGaramond font 

in PageMaker 7.0 on the 

Macintosh G4 and MacBook Pro computers 




I 



Just why it should have happened, or why it should have 
happened just when it did, he could not, of course, possibly have said; 
nor perhaps could it even have occurred to him to ask. The thing was 
above all a secret, something to be preciously concealed from Mother 
and Father; and to that very fact it owed an enormous part of its 
deliciousness. It was like a peculiarly beautiful trinket to be carried 
unmentioned in one's trouser pocket — a rare stamp, an old coin, a few 
tiny gold links found trodden out of shape on the path in the park, a 
pebble of carnelian, a sea shell distinguishable from all the others by an 
unusual spot or stripe — and, as if it were anyone of these, he carried 
around with him everywhere a warm and persistent and increasingly 
beautiful sense of possession. Nor was it only a sense of possession — it 
was also a sense of protection. It was as if, in some delightful way, his 
secret gave him a fortress, a wall behind which he could retreat into 
heavenly seclusion. This was almost the first thing he had noticed about 
it — apart from the oddness of the thing itself — and it was this that now 
again, for the fiftieth time, occurred to him, as he sat in the little 
schoolroom. It was the half-hour for geography. Miss Buell was revolving 
with one finger, slowly, a huge terrestrial globe which had been placed 
on her desk. The green and yellow continents passed and repassed, 
questions were asked and answered, and now the little girl in front of 
him, Deirdre, who had a funny little constellation of freckles on the 
back of her neck, exactly like the Big Dipper, was standing up and telling 
Miss Buell that the equator was the line that ran around the middle. 

Miss Buell's face, which was old and grayish and kindly, with 
gray stiff curls beside the cheeks, and eyes that swam very brightly, like 
little minnows, behind thick glasses, wrinkled itself into a complication 
of amusements. 

"Ah! I see. The earth is wearing a belt, or a sash. Or someone 
drew a line round it!" 

"Oh, no — not that — I mean — " 

In the general laughter, he did not share, or only a very little. 
He was thinking about the Arctic and Antarctic regions, which of course, 
on the globe, were white. Miss Buell was now telling them about the 
tropics, the jungles, the steamy heat of equatorial swamps, where the 

Silent Snow, Secret Snow • 5 



birds and butterflies, and even the snakes, were like living jewels. As he 
listened to these things, he was already, with a pleasant sense of half 
effort, putting his secret between himself and the words. Was it really 
an effort at all? For effort implied something voluntary, and perhaps 
even something one did not especially want; whereas this was distinctly 
pleasant, and came almost of its own accord. All he needed to do was to 
think of that morning, the first one, and then of all the others — 

But it was all so absurdly simple! It had amounted to so little. It 
was nothing, just an idea — and just why it should have become so 
wonderful, so permanent, was a mystery — a very pleasant one, to be 
sure, but also, in an amusing way, foolish. However, without ceasing to 
listen to Miss Buell, who had now moved up to the north temperate 
zones, he deliberately invited his memory of the first morning. It was 
only a moment or two after he had waked up — or perhaps the moment 
itself. But was there, to be exact, an exact moment? Was one awake all at 
once? or was it gradual? Anyway, it was after he had stretched a lazy 
hand up towards the head rail, and yawned, and then relaxed again 
among his warm covers, all the more grateful on a December morning, 
that the thing had happened. Suddenly, for no reason, he had thought 
of the postman, he remembered the postman. Perhaps there was nothing 
so odd in that. After all, he heard the postman almost every morning in 
his life — his heavy boots could be heard clumping round the corner at 
the top of the little cobbled hill street, and then, progressively nearer, 
progressively louder, the double knock at each door, the crossings and 
recrossings of the street, till finally the clumsy steps came stumbling 
across to the very door, and the tremendous knock came which shook 
the house itself. 

(Miss Buell was saying, "Vast wheat-growing areas in North 
America and Siberia." 

Deirdre had for the moment placed her left hand across the 
back of her neck.) 

But on this particular morning, the first morning, as he lay there 
with his eyes closed, he had for some reason waited for the postman. He 
wanted to hear him come round the corner. And that was precisely the 
joke — he never did. He never came. He never had come — round the 
corner — again. For when at last the steps were heard, they had already, 
he was quite sure, come a little down the hill, to the first house; and 

6 • Conrad Aiken 



even so, the steps were curiously different — they were softer, they had a 
new secrecy about them, they were muffled and indistinct; and while 
the rhythm of them was the same, it now said a new thing — it said 
peace, it said remoteness, it said cold, it said sleep. And he had understood 
the situation at once — nothing could have seemed simpler — there had 
been snow in the night, such as all winter he had been longing for; and 
it was this which had rendered the postman's first footsteps inaudible, 
and the later ones faint. Of course! How lovely! And even now it must 
be snowing — it was going to be a snowy day — the long white ragged 
lines were drifting and sifting across the street, across the faces of the 
old houses, whispering and hushing, making little triangles of white in 
the corners between cobblestones, seething a little when the wind blew 
them over the ground to a drifted corner; and so it would be all day, 
getting deeper and deeper and silenter and silenter. 

(Miss Buell was saying, "Land of perpetual snow.") 

All this time, of course (while he lay in bed), he had kept his 
eyes closed, listening to the nearer progress of the postman, the muffled 
footsteps thumping and slipping on the snow-sheathed cobbles; and all 
the other sounds — the double knocks, a frosty far-off voice or two, a 
bell ringing thinly and softly as if under a sheet of ice — had the same 
slightly abstracted quality, as if removed by one degree from actuality — 
as if everything in the world had been insulated by snow. But when at 
last, pleased, he opened his eyes, and turned them towards the window, 
to see for himself this long-desired and now so clearly imagined miracle — 
what he saw instead was brilliant sunlight on a roof; and when, 
astonished, he jumped out of bed and stared down into the street, 
expecting to see the cobbles obliterated by the snow, he saw nothing 
but the bare bright cobbles themselves. 

Queer, the effects this extraordinary surprise had had upon 
him — kept with him a sense as of snow falling about him, a secret screen 
of new snow between himself and the world. If he had not dreamed 
such a thing — and how could he have dreamed it while awake? — how 
else could one explain it? In any case, the delusion had been so vivid as 
to affect his entire behavior. He could not now remember whether it 
was on the first or the second morning — or was it even the third? — that 
his mother had drawn attention to some oddness in his manner. 

"But, my darling — " she had said at the breakfast table — "what 

Silent Snow, Secret Snow • 7 



has come over you? You don't seem to be listening 

And how often that very thing had happened since! 

(Miss Buell was now asking if anyone knew the difference 
between the North Pole and the Magnetic Pole. Deirdre was holding up 
her flickering brown hand, and he could see the four white dimples that 
marked the knuckles.) 

Perhaps it hadn't been either the second or third morning — or 
even the fourth or fifth. How could he be sure? How could he be sure 
just when the delicious progress had become clear? Just when it had 
really begun?The intervals weren't very precise. . . . All he now knew was 
that at some point or other — perhaps the second day perhaps the sixth — 
he had noticed that the presence of the snow was a little more insistent, 
the sound of it clearer; and, conversely, the sound of the postman's 
footsteps more indistinct. Not only could he not hear the steps come 
round the corner, he could not even hear them at the first house. It was 
below the first house that he heard them; and then, a few days later, it 
was below the second house that he heard them; and a few days later 
again, below the third. Gradually, gradually, the snow was becoming 
heavier, the sound of its seething louder, the cobblestones more and 
more muffled. When he found, each morning, on going to the window, 
after the ritual of listening, that the roofs and cobbles were as bare as 
ever, it made no difference. This was, after all, only what he had expected. 
It was even what pleased him, what rewarded him: the thing was his 
own, belonged to no one else. No one else knew about it, not even his 
mother and father. There, outside, were the bare cobbles; and here, 
inside, was the snow. Snow growing heavier each day, muffling the world, 
hiding the ugly, and deadening increasingly — above all — the steps of 
the postman. 

"But, my darling — " she had said at the luncheon table — "what 
has come over you? You don't seem to listen when people speak to you. 
That's the third time I've asked you to pass your plate 

How was one to explain this to Mother? or to Father? There 
was, of course, nothing to be done about it: nothing. All one could do 
was to laugh embarrassedly pretend to be a little ashamed, apologize, 
and take a sudden and somewhat disingenuous interest in what was 
being done or said. The cat had stayed out all night. He had a curious 
swelling on his left cheek — perhaps somebody had kicked him, or a 

8 • Conrad Aiken 



stone had struck him. Mrs. Kempton was or was not coming to tea. 
The house was going to be house cleaned, or "turned out," on Wednesday 
instead of Friday. A new lamp was provided for his evening work — 
perhaps it was eyestrain which accounted for this new and so peculiar 
vagueness of his — Mother was looking at him with amusement as she 
said this, but with something else as well. A new lamp? A new lamp. Yes 
Mother, No Mother, Yes Mother. School is going very well. The geometry 
is very easy. The history is very dull. The geography is very interesting — 
particularly when it takes one to the North Pole. Why the North Pole? 
Oh, well, it would be fun to be an explorer. Another Peary or Scott or 
Shackleton. And then abruptly he found his interest in the talk at an 
end, stared at the pudding on his plate, listened, waited, and began 
once more — ah how heavenly, too, the first beginnings — to hear or feel — 
for could he actually hear it? — the silent snow, the secret snow. 

(Miss Buell was telling them about the search for the Northwest 
Passage, about Hendrik Hudson, the Half Moon.) 

This had been, indeed, the only distressing feature of the new 
experience: the fact that it so increasingly had brought him into a kind 
of mute misunderstanding, or even conflict, with his father and mother. 
It was as if he were trying to lead a double life. On the one hand he had 
to be Paul Hasleman, and keep up the appearance of being that person — 
dress, wash, and answer intelligently when spoken to; on the other, he 
had to explore this new world which had been opened to him. Nor 
could there be the slightest doubt — not the slightest — that the new 
world was the profounder and more wonderful of the two. It was 
irresistible. It was miraculous. Its beauty was simply beyond anything — 
beyond speech as beyond thought — utterly incommunicable. But how 
then, between the two worlds, of which he was thus constantly aware, 
was he to keep a balance? One must get up, one must go to breakfast, 
one must talk with Mother, go to school, do one's lessons — and, in all 
this, try not to appear too much of a fool. But if all the while one was 
also trying to extract the full deliciousness of another and quite separate 
existence, one which could not easily (if at all) be spoken of — how was 
one to manage? How was one to explain? Would it be absurd? Would it 
merely mean that he would get into some obscure kind of trouble? 

These thoughts came and went, came and went, as softly and 
secretly as the snow; they were not precisely a disturbance, perhaps they 

Silent Snow, Secret Snow • 9 



were even a pleasure; he liked to have them; their presence was something 
almost palpable, something he could stroke with his hand, without 
closing his eyes, and without ceasing to see Miss Buell and the 
schoolroom and the globe and the freckles on Deirdre's neck; nevertheless 
he did in a sense cease to see, or to see the obvious external world, and 
substituted for this vision the vision of snow, the sound of snow, and 
the slow, almost soundless, approach of the postman. Yesterday, it had 
been only at the sixth house that the postman had become audible; the 
snow was much deeper now, it was falling more swiftly and heavily, the 
sound of its seething was more distinct, more soothing, more persistent. 
And this morning, it had been — as nearly as he could figure — just above 
the seventh house — perhaps only a step or two above: at most, he had 
heard two or three footsteps before the knock had sounded .... And 
with each such narrowing of the sphere, each nearer approach of the 
limit at which the postman was first audible, it was odd how sharply 
was increased the amount of illusion which had to be carried into the 
ordinary business of daily life. Each day, it was harder to get out of bed, 
to go to the window, to look out at the — as always — perfectly empty 
and snowless street. Each day it was more difficult to go through the 
perfunctory motions of greeting Mother and Father at breakfast, to reply 
to their questions, to put his books together and go to school. And at 
school, how extraordinarily hard to conduct with success simultaneously 
the public life and the life that was secret. There were times when he 
longed — positively ached — to tell everyone about it — to burst out with 
it — only to be checked almost at once by a far-off feeling as of some 
faint absurdity which was inherent in it — but was it absurd? — and more 
importantly by a sense of mysterious power in his very secrecy. Yes: it 
must be kept secret. That, more and more, became clear. At whatever 
cost to himself, whatever pain to others — 

(Miss Buell looked straight at him, smiling, and said, "Perhaps 
we'll ask Paul. I'm sure Paul will come out of his daydream long enough 
to be able to tell us. Won't you, Paul." He rose slowly from his chair, 
resting one hand on the brightly varnished desk, and deliberately stared 
through the snow towards the blackboard. It was an effort, but it was 
amusing to make it. "Yes," he said slowly, "it was what we now call the 
Hudson River. This he thought to be the Northwest Passage. He was 
disappointed." He sat down again, and as he did so Deirdre half turned 

10 • Conrad Aiken 



in her chair and gave him a shy smile, of approval and admiration.) 

At whatever pain to others. 

This part of it was very puzzling, very puzzling. Mother was 
very nice, and so was Father. Yes, that was all true enough. He wanted 
to be nice to them, to tell them everything — and yet, was it really wrong 
of him to want to have a secret place of his own? 

At bedtime, the night before, Mother had said, "If this goes on, 
my lad, we'll have to see a doctor, we will! We can't have our boy — " But 
what was it she had said? "Live in another world"? "Live so far away"? 
The word "far" had been in it, he was sure, and then Mother had taken 
up a magazine again and laughed a little, but with an expression which 
wasn't mirthful. He had felt sorry for her .... 

The bell rang for dismissal. The sound came to him through 
long curved parallels of falling snow. He saw Deirdre rise, and had himself 
risen almost as soon — but not quite as soon — as she. 



II 



On the walk homeward, which was timeless, it pleased him to 
see through the accompaniment, or counterpoint, of snow, the items of 
mere externality on his way. There were many kinds of bricks in the 
sidewalks, and laid in many kinds of pattern. The garden walls too were 
various, some of wooden palings, some of plaster, some of stone. Twigs 
of bushes leaned over the walls; the little hard green winter buds of lilac, 
on gray stems, sheathed and fat; other branches very thin and fine and 
black and desiccated. Dirty sparrows huddled in the bushes, as dull in 
color as dead fruit left in leafless trees. A single starling creaked on a 
weather vane. In the gutter, beside a drain, was a scrap of torn and dirty 
newspaper, caught in a little delta of filth: the word ECZEMA appeared 
in large capitals, and below it was a letter from Mrs. Amelia D. Cravath, 
2100 Pine Street, Fort Worth, Texas, to the effect that after being a 
sufferer for years she had been cured by Caley's Ointment. In the little 
delta, beside the fan-shaped and deeply runneled continent of brown 
mud, were lost twigs, descended from their parent trees, dead matches, 
a rusty horse-chestnut burr, a small concentration of sparkling gravel 
on the lip of the sewer, a fragment of eggshell, a streak of yellow sawdust 
which had been wet and was now dry and congealed, a brown pebble, 

Silent Snow, Secret Snow • 11 



and a broken feather. Further on was a cement sidewalk, ruled into 
geometrical parallelograms, with a brass inlay at one end commemorating 
the contractors who had laid it, and, halfway across, an irregular and 
random series of dog tracks, immortalized in synthetic stone. He knew 
these well, and always stepped on them; to cover the little hollows with 
his own foot had always been a queer pleasure; today he did it once 
more, but perfunctorily and detachedly, all the while thinking of 
something else. That was a dog, a long time ago, who had made a mistake 
and walked on the cement while it was still wet. He had probably wagged 
his tail, but that hadn't been recorded. Now, Paul Hasleman, aged twelve, 
on his way home from school, crossed the same river, which in the 
meantime had frozen into rock. Homeward through the snow, the snow 
falling in bright sunshine. Homeward? 

Then came the gateway with the two posts surmounted by egg- 
shaped stones which had been cunningly balanced on their ends, as if 
by Columbus, and mortared in the very act of balance: a source of 
perpetual wonder. On the brick wall just beyond, the letter H had been 
stenciled, presumably for some purpose. H? H. 

The green hydrant, with a little green-painted chain attached to 
the brass screw cap. 

The elm tree, with the great gray wound in the bark, kidney- 
shaped, into which he always put his hand — to feel the cold but living 
wood. The injury, he had been sure, was due to the knawings of a tethered 
horse. But now it deserved only a passing palm, a merely tolerant eye. 
There were more important things. Miracles. Beyond the thoughts of 
trees, mere elms. Beyond the thoughts of sidewalks, mere stone, mere 
brick, mere cement. Beyond the thoughts even of his own shoes, which 
trod these sidewalks obediently, bearing a burden — far above — of 
elaborate mystery. He watched them. They were not very well polished; 
he had neglected them, for a very good reason: they were one of the 
many parts of the increasing difficulty of the daily return to daily life, 
the morning struggle. To get up, having at last opened one's eyes, to go 
to the window, and discover no snow, to wash, to dress, to descend the 
curving stairs to breakfast — 

At whatever pain to others, nevertheless, one must persevere in 
severance, since the incommunicability of the experience demanded it. 
It was desirable of course to be kind to Mother and Father, especially as 

12 • Conrad Aiken 



they seemed to be worried, but it was also desirable to be resolute. If 
they should decide — as appeared likely — to consult the doctor, Doctor 
Howells, and have Paul inspected, his heart listened to through a kind 
of dictaphone, his lungs, his stomach — well, that was all right. He would 
go through with it. He would give them answer for question, too — 
perhaps such answers as they hadn't expected? No. That would never 
do. For the secret world must, at all costs, be persevered. 

The birdhouse in the apple tree was empty — it was the wrong 
time of year for wrens. The little round black door had lost its pleasure. 
The wrens were enjoying other houses, other nests, remoter trees. But 
this too was a notion which he only vaguely and grazingly entertained — 
as if, for the moment, he merely touched an edge of it; there was 
something further on, which was already assuming a sharper importance; 
something which already teased at the corners of his eyes, teasing also at 
the corner of his mind. It was funny to think that he so wanted this, so 
awaited it — and yet found himself enjoying this momentary dalliance 
with the birdhouse, as if for a quite deliberate postponement and 
enhancement of the approaching pleasure. He was aware of his delay, of 
his smiling and detached and now almost uncomprehending gaze at the 
little birdhouse; he knew what he was going to look at next: it was his 
own little cobbled hill street, his own house, the little river at the bottom 
of the hill, the grocer's shop with the cardboard man in the window — 
and now, thinking all this, he turned his head, still smiling, and looking 
quickly right and left through the snow-laden sunlight. 

And the mist of snow, as he had foreseen, was still on it — a 
ghost of snow falling in the bright sunlight, softly and steadily floating 
and turning and pausing, soundlessly meeting the snow that covered, as 
with a transparent mirage, the bare bright cobbles. He loved it — he 
stood still and loved it. Its beauty was paralyzing — beyond all words, all 
experience, all dream. No fairy story he had ever read could be compared 
with it — none had ever given him this extraordinary combination of 
ethereal loveliness with a something else, unnamable, which was just 
faintly and deliciously terrifying. What was this thing? As he thought of 
it, he looked upward toward his own bedroom window, which was 
open — and it was as if he looked straight into the room and saw himself 
lying half awake in his bed. There he was — at this very instant he was 
still perhaps actually there — more truly there than standing here at the 

Silent Snow, Secret Snow • 13 



edge of the cobbled hill street, with one hand lifted to shade his eyes 
against the snow-sun. Had he indeed ever left his room, in all this time? 
since that very first morning? Was the whole progress still being enacted 
there, was it still the same morning, and himself not yet wholly awake? 
And even now, had the postman not yet come round the corner? . . . 

This idea amused him, and automatically, as he thought of it, 
he turned his head and looked toward the top of the hill. There was, of 
course, nothing there — nothing and no one. The street was empty and 
quiet. And all the more because of its emptiness it occurred to him to 
count the houses — a thing which, oddly enough, he hadn't before 
thought of doing. Of course, he had known there weren't many — many, 
that is, on his own side of the street, which were the ones that figured in 
the postman's progress — but nevertheless it came to him as something 
of a shock to find that there were precisely six, above his own house — 
his own house was the seventh. 

Six! 

Astonished, he looked at his own house — looked at the door, 
on which was the number thirteen — and then realized that the whole 
thing was exactly and logically and absurdly what he ought to have 
known. Just the same, the realization gave him abruptly, and even a 
little frighteningly a sense of hurry. He was being hurried — he was being 
rushed. For — he knit his brows — he couldn't be mistaken — it was just 
above the seventh house, his own house, that the postman had first been 
audible this very morning. But in that case — in that case — did it mean 
that tomorrow he would hear nothing? The knock he had heard must 
have been the knock of their own door. Did it mean — and this was an 
idea which gave him a really extraordinary feeling of surprise — that he 
would never hear the postman again? — that tomorrow morning the 
postman would already have passed the house, in a snow by then so 
deep as to render his footsteps completely inaudible? That he would 
have made his approach down the snow-filled street so soundlessly, so 
secretly, that he, Paul Hasleman, there lying in bed, would not have 
waked in time, or, waking, would have heard nothing? 

But how could that be? Unless the knocker should be muffled 
in the snow — frozen tight, perhaps? . . . But in that case — 

A vague feeling of disappointment came over him; a vague 
sadness, as if he felt himself deprived of something which he had long 

14 • Conrad Aiken 



looked forward to, something much prized. After all this, all this beautiful 
progress, the slow delicious advance of the postman through the silent 
and secret snow, the knock creeping closer each day, and the footsteps 
nearer, the audible compass of the world thus daily narrowed, narrowed, 
narrowed, as the snow soothingly and beautifully encroached and 
deepened, after all this, was he to be defrauded of the one thing he had 
so wanted — to be able to count, as it were, the last two or three solemn 
footsteps, as they finally approached his own door? Was it all going to 
happen, at the end, so suddenly? or indeed, had it already happened? 
with no slow and subtle gradations of menace, in which he could 
luxuriate? 

He gazed upward again, toward his own window which flashed 
in the sun: and this time almost with a feeling that it would be better if 
he were still in bed, in that room; for in that case this must still be the 
first morning, and there would be six more mornings to come — or, for 
that matter, seven or eight or nine — how could he be sure? — or even 
more. 



Ill 



After supper, the inquisition began. He stood before the doctor, 
under the lamp, and submitted silently to the usual thumpings and 
tappings. 

"Now will you please say Ah?'" 

"Ah!" 

"Now again please, if you don't mind." 

"Ah." 

"Say it slowly, and hold it if you can — " 

"Ah-h-h-h-h-h— " 

"Good." 

How silly all this was. As if it had anything to do with his throat! 
Or his heart or lungs! 

Relaxing his mouth, of which the corners, after all this absurd 
stretching, felt uncomfortable, he avoided the doctor's eyes, and stared 
towards the fireplace, past his mother's feet (in gray slippers) which 
projected from the green chair, and his father's feet (in brown slippers) 
which stood neatly side by side on the hearth rug. 

Silent Snow, Secret Snow • 15 



"Hm. There is certainly nothing wrong there ..." 

He felt the doctor's eyes fixed upon him, and, as if merely to be 
polite, returned the look, but with a feeling of justifiable evasiveness. 

"Now, young man, tell me — do you feel all right?" 

"Yes, sir, quite all right." 

"No headaches? no dizziness?" 

"No, I don't think so." 

"Let me see. Let's get a book, if you don't mind — yes, thank 
you, that will do splendidly — and now, Paul, if you'll just read it, holding 
it as you would normally hold it — " 

He took the book and read: 

"And another praise have I to tell for this the city our mother, 
the gift of a great god, a glory of the land most high; the might of 
horses, the might of young horses, the might of the sea. . . . For thou, 
son of Cronus, our lord Poseidon, hast throned herein this pride, since 
in these roads first thou didst show forth the curb that cures the rage of 
steeds. And the shapely oar, apt to men's hands, hath a wondrous speed 
on the brine, following the hundred-footed Nereids. . . . O land that art 
praised above all lands, now is it for thee to make those bright praises 
seen in deeds." 

He stopped, tentatively, and lowered the heavy book. 

"No — as I thought — there is certainly no superficial sign of 
eyestrain." 

Silence thronged the room, and he was aware of the focused 
scrutiny of the three people who confronted him .... 

"He could have his eyes examined — but I believe it is something 
else." 

"What could it be?" This was his father's voice. 

"It's only this curious absent-minded — " This was his mother's 
voice. 

In the presence of the doctor, they both seemed irritatingly 
apologetic. 

"I believe it is something else. Now, Paul — I would like very 
much to ask you a question or two. You will answer them, won't you — 
you know I'm an old, old friend of yours, eh? That's right! 

His back was thumped twice by the doctor's fat fist — then the 
doctor was grinning at him with false amiability, while with one fingernail 

16 • Conrad Aiken 



he was scratching the top button of his waistcoat. Beyond the doctor's 
shoulder was the fire, the fingers of flame making light prestidigitation 
against the sooty fireback, the soft sound of their random flutter the 
only sound. 

"I would like to know — is there anything that worries you?" 
The doctor was again smiling, his eyelids low against the little 
black pupils, in each of which was a tiny white bead of light. Why 
answer him? why answer him at all. "At whatever pain to others" — but 
it was all a nuisance, this necessity for resistance, this necessity for 
attention: it was if one had been stood up on a brilliantly lighted stage, 
under a great round blaze of spotlight; as if one were merely a trained 
seal, or a performing dog, or a fish, dipped out of an aquarium and held 
up by the tail. It would serve them right if he were merely to bark or 
growl. And meanwhile, to miss these last few precious hours, these hours 
of which every minute was more beautiful than the last, more 
menacing — ? He still looked, as if from a great distance, at the beads of 
light in the doctor's eyes, at the fixed false smile, and then, beyond, 
once more at his mother's slippers, the soft flutter of the fire. Even here, 
even amongst these hostile presences, and in this arranged light, he could 
see the snow, he could hear it — it was in the corners of the room, where 
the shadow was deepest, under the sofa, behind the half-opened door 
which led to the dining room. It was gentler here, softer, its seethe the 
quietest of whispers, as if, in deference to a drawing room, it had quite 
deliberately put on its "manners"; it kept itself out of sight, obliterated 
itself, but distinctly with an air of saying, "Ah, but just wait! Wait till we 
are alone together! Then I will begin to tell you something new! 
Something white! something cold! something sleepy! something of cease, 
and peace, and the long bright curve of space! Tell them to go away. 
Banish them. Refuse to speak. Leave them, go upstairs to your room, 
turn out the light and get into bed — I will go with you, I will be waiting 
for you, I will tell you a better story than Little Kay of the Skates, or 
The Snow Ghost — I will surround your bed, I will close the windows, 
pile a deep drift against the door, so that none will ever again be able to 
enter. Speak to them? ..." It seemed as if the little hissing voice came 
from a slow white spiral of falling flakes in the corner by the front 
window — but he could not be sure. He felt himself smiling, then, and 
said to the doctor, but without looking at him, looking beyond him 

Silent Snow, Secret Snow • 17 



still— 

"Oh, no, I think not — " 

"But are you sure, my boy?" 

His father's voice came softly and coldly then — the familiar voice 
of silken warning. . . . 

"You needn't answer at once, Paul — remember we're trying to 
help you — think it over and be quite sure, won't you?" 

He felt himself smiling again, at the notion of being quite sure. 
What a joke! As if he weren't so sure that reassurance was no longer 
necessary, and all this cross-examination a ridiculous farce, a grotesque 
parody! What could they know about it? These gross intelligences, these 
humdrum minds so bound to the usual, the ordinary? Impossible to tell 
them about it! Why, even now, even now, with the proof so abundant, 
so formidable, so imminent, so appallingly present here in this very 
room, could they believe it? — could even his mother believe it? No — it 
was only too plain that if anything were said about it, the merest hint 
given, they would be incredulous — they would laugh — they would say, 
"Absurd!" — think things about him which weren't true .... 

"Why no, I'm not worried — why should I be?" 

He looked then straight at the doctor's low-lidded eyes, looked 
from one of them to the other, from one bead of light to the other, and 
gave a little laugh. 

The doctor seemed to be disconcerted by this. He drew back in 
his chair, resting a fat white hand on either knee. The smile faded slowly 
from his face. 

"Well, Paul!" he said, and paused gravely, "I'm afraid you don't 
take this quite seriously enough. I think you perhaps don't quite realize — 
don't quite realize — " He took a deep quick breath, and turned as if 
helpless, at a loss for words, to the others. But Mother and Father were 
both silent — no help was forthcoming. 

"You must surely know, be aware, that you have not been quite 
yourself of late? don't you know that? ..." 

It was amusing to watch the doctor's renewed attempt at a smile, 
a queer disorganized look, as of confidential embarrassment. 

"I feel all right, sir," he said, and again gave the little laugh. 

"And we're trying to help you." The doctor's tone sharpened. 

"Yes, sir, I know. But why? I'm all right. I'm just thinking, that's 

18 • Conrad Aiken 



all." 

His mother made a quick movement forward, resting a hand 
on the back of the doctor's chair. 

"Thinking?" she said. "But my dear, about what?" 

This was a direct challenge — and would have to be directly met. 
But before he met it, he looked again into the corner by the door, as if 
for reassurance. He smiled again at what he saw, at what he heard. The 
little spiral was still there, still softly whirling, like the ghost of a white 
kitten chasing the ghost of a white tail, and making as it did so the 
faintest of whispers. It was all right! If only he could remain firm, 
everything was going to be all right. 

"Oh, about anything, about nothing — you know the way you 
do!" 

"You mean — daydreaming?" 

"Oh, no — thinking!" 

"But thinking about what? 

"Anything." 

He laughed a third time — but this time, happening to glance 
upward towards his mother's face, he was appalled at the effect his 
laughter seemed to have upon her. Her mouth had opened in an 
expression of horror .... This was too bad! Unfortunate! He had known 
it would cause pain, of course — but he hadn't expected it to be quite so 
bad as this. Perhaps — perhaps if he just gave them a tiny gleaming 
hint — ? 

"About the snow," he said. 

"What on earth!" This was his father's voice. The brown slippers 
came a step nearer on the hearth-rug. 

"But, my dear, what do you mean!" This was his mother's voice. 

The doctor merely stared. 

"Just snow, that's all. I like to think about it." 

"Tell us about it, my boy." 

"But that's all it is. There's nothing to tell. You know what snow 
is? 

This he said almost angrily, for he felt that they were trying to 
corner him. He turned sideways so as no longer to face the doctor, and 
the better to see the inch of blackness between the window sill and the 
lowered curtains — the cold inch of beckoning and delicious night. At 

Silent Snow, Secret Snow • 19 



once he felt better, more assured. 

"Mother — can I go to bed, now, please? I've got a headache." 

"But I thought you said — " 

"It's just come. It's all these questions — ! Can I, Mother?" 

"You can go as soon as the doctor has finished." 

"Don't you think this thing ought to be gone into thoroughly, 
and nowT This was Father's voice. The brown slippers again came a 
step nearer, the voice was the well-known "punishment" voice, resonant 
and cruel. 

"Oh, what's the use, Norman — " 

Quite suddenly, everyone was silent. And without precisely facing 
them, nevertheless he was aware that all three of them were watching 
him with an extraordinary intensity — staring hard at him — as if he had 
done something monstrous, or was himself some kind of monster. He 
could hear the soft irregular flutter of the flames; the cluck-click-cluck- 
click of the clock; far and faint, two sudden spurts of laughter from the 
kitchen, as quickly cut off as begun; a murmur of water in the pipes; 
and then, the silence seemed to deepen, to spread out, to become world- 
long and world-wide, to become timeless and shapeless, and to center 
inevitably and rightly, with a slow and sleepy but enormous concentration 
of all power, on the beginning of a new sound. What this new sound 
was going to be, he knew perfectly well. It might begin with a hiss, but 
it would end with a roar — there was no time to lose — he must escape. It 
mustn't happen here — 

Without another word, he turned and ran up the stairs. 



IV 



Not a moment too soon. The darkness was coming in long white 
waves. A prolonged sibilance filled the night — a great seamless seethe of 
wild influence went abruptly across it — a cold low humming shook the 
windows. He shut the door and flung off his clothes in the dark. The 
bare black floor was like a little raft tossed in waves of snow, almost 
overwhelmed, washed under whitely, up again, smothered in curled 
billows of feather. The snow was laughing: it spoke from all sides at 
once: it pressed closer to him as he ran and jumped exulting into his 
bed. 

20 • Conrad Aiken 



"Listen to us!" it said. "Listen! We have come to tell you the 
story we told you about. You remember? Lie down. Shut your eyes, 
now — you will no longer see much — in this white darkness who could 
see, or want to see? We will take the place of everything .... Listen — " 

A beautiful varying dance of snow began at the front of the 
room, came forward and then retreated, flattened out toward the floor, 
then rose fountainlike to the ceiling, swayed, recruited itself from a new 
stream of flakes which poured laughing in through the humming 
window, advanced again, lifted long white arms. It said peace, it said 
remoteness, it said cold — it said — 

But then a gash of horrible light fell brutally across the room 
from the opening door — the snow drew back hissing — something alien 
had come into the room — something hostile. This thing rushed at him, 
clutched at him, shook him — and he was not merely horrified, he was 
filled with such a loathing as he had never known. What was this? this 
cruel disturbance? this act of anger and hate? It was as if he had to reach 
up a hand toward another world for any understanding of it — an effort 
of which he was only barely capable. But of that other world he still 
remembered just enough to know the exorcising words. They tore 
themselves from his other life suddenly — 

"Mother! Mother! Go away! I hate you!" 

And with that effort, everything was solved, everything became 
all right: the seamless hiss advanced once more, the long white wavering 
lines rose and fell like enormous whispering sea waves, the whisper 
becoming louder, the laughter more numerous. 

"Listen!" it said. "We'll tell you the last, the most beautiful and 
secret story — shut your eyes — it is a very small story — a story that gets 
smaller and smaller — it comes inward instead of opening like a flower — 
it is a flower becoming a seed — a little cold seed — do you hear? we are 
leaning closer to you — " 

The hiss was now becoming a roar — the whole world was a vast 
moving screen of snow — but even now it said peace, it said remoteness, 
it said cold, it said sleep. 



Silent Snow, Secret Snow • 21